What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
