I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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