I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
