miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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