There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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