did you get engaged???
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
