I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
