Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
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Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
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idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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