you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
