Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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