He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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