i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dignity is for republicans.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
