I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize