he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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