maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
