between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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