i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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