What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
