Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
