it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
