how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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