Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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