She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
