you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
