My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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