Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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