Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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