I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
