he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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