My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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