4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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