I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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