Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
