I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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