you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
