Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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