only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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