Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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