I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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