John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I deserve this hangover.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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