ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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