just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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