that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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