life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
