Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
