Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
