So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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