Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
