hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
