Quick, to the slutcave!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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