i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
