Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i now understand why vodka
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
