I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
